I don’t need to ask the cursory ‘how are you’; I know you are growing steadily well now.
It has been ages since I first heard about you. I heard a lot to be fair. About how you hide behind smiles and the daily routines, how you creep gently and almost romantically into lives and make those lives yours. I knew that you did not need reasons, days, occasions to make someone yours, neither did you come to a selected few.
It is something that you bring along that is grey, and not entirely black. Wait, let me explain it better. When you come over to stay with them, you bring along a feeling of worthlessness which then further brings out a fight from inside of them; a fight with their own selves to hold on. You make them fragile but you let them have the moments of introspection, which make them think for moments that you are probably a hoax. But in those of moments of retrospection they fight, to keep themselves, to still find the colours in the world for them and not for others, to still smile in all the truth rather than to just make believe. That is beautiful in a way. They find the best of themselves in these moments. But then you are so so over their heart and mind that they fail to find the happiness in it.
You know, they all know about you; each and every human, in one way or the other. But they are scared of you. They know about you, but they don’t really know you. You aren’t totally like the symptoms in Google, are you? You don’t always bring along anxiety or insomnia or weight loss and poor appetite. You come like Love; they don’t understand what’s happening to them until it is only you they think of; sometimes not even then. But one thing that you make a point to gift everyone is that you come to stay. Oh wait, don’t you sometimes hide and act like you went away but don’t really? Yeah, I know that tactic of yours.
You are the reasonless tears in the nights, the ‘no one cares’ thoughts, the chills and scares, the huge worthlessness, and at times the thoughts of self harm, and at extremes, the thoughts of dying. You make them lose friends and loves and relationships. You make them lose passions and hobbies. And you can even make a Grammar Nazi blind to a page of ‘didn’t knew’ and ‘they eats’. Damn, you are strong!
You are smart, too! You generally come to stay with those people who smile the most. They are accustomed to smiling that they don’t realise until it’s too late that their smiles hold no truth anymore. You come to those people who have a lot of friends in count but are the most private probably; or are private about their feeling; or may be private only about you. You stem from insecurities, that’s your hunting ground. And you know what gives you more power? Their silence. They don’t know how to talk about you, because when you come you don’t come with symptoms in bullet points like that of some flu; you come as a long-ass essay or just a single sentence, ‘I am okay’.
I am accusing you, for the loss of happiness, for sad eyes and forced smiles, for the confusion, and for creating a huge group of lonely people.
Dear Depression, don’t ask me if you’ve visited me, ever. Because to be true, I don’t know. But you have taken away from me an own and damaged a few more. You scare me the most; more than death itself, because you have the ability to kill a person on a daily basis. Also, with all the people you have made lonely, you have a war waging. Some of those lonely people will be strong enough to kill you and have colourful lives again. Some others will have family and friends to help them through.
You won’t always win!
An Insecure Young Adult.
What is it, that you have been left
So clueless about your days?
What is it, that made you shy away from all the
Things you once had learnt to love with all your heart?
Tell me, what is it that has made you forget yourself?
It is a subtle crisis, it creeps in gently and slowly.
You don’t know where it stems from, it just does.
It comes from all the wrong choices you make, may be.
But, being young, it shouldn’t matter much, should it?
But it does.
It is a different being of you.
You don’t remember ever being like this
And it scares you.
No goals, no plans for tomorrow,
And even if you make your mind for once,
It is always a voice in the head that goes on and on saying,
“You are not good enough, no one will even care”.
It’s disheartening and you can’t even kill the voice.
It’s not like you don’t have dreams, you do!
You try, alone and with silent plans,
Plans that you kill the next morning.
You are scared, that may be you will fail,
You are a senseless person with no clue in the world,
Wandering alone; I know it’s difficult, believe me, I do.
Why won’t it be… you are still so little, pampered till yesterday,
And left alone today? It is difficult, to have once moved around,
With someone at your back, supporting you, and now when you turn around…
You are alone; to mend and fend yourself.
You are wandering alone and this has made you timid.
Trust me; I understand, I know how that feels!
My closed eyes,
In the darkness
Of that unknown,
Emitted by you.
You are beautiful,
You are home
And so mine.
I know, things
when with you.
They feel so
New and fresh.
Things seem right.
Things are perfect.
With you, i seem
To have no problems
I am happy,
I want to grow,
I want to be better,
When with you.
So, i am selfish…
What a few moments can turn you into!
One day you are this happy person, away and safe from all the bads around and then suddenly you are trying and struggling to keep up all your studies, finances, parties together and trying to have a productive life.You find people, try knowing them and you click and you think, that you have a forever friend, and then a few days later when you try reaching out to that ‘friend’ you suddenly realise there was actually no one. this is change, and this change is constant. Every day brings with it some change. Some we fail to recognise and some changes just change our life altogether.
‘A young adult’. Always, had this phase sounded fascinating to me. But now that I am stepping in the threshold of it, I just cannot find the fun that I expected. Man, teenage was easier than this! At least you could cry in your father’s arms and sleep in your mother’s lap. But now that you’ve grown up, all you can do is hug yourself and cry because that’t the only thing that is constant. You yourself are your home. No one else is there. Okay, given that your parents will love you unconditionally; but that comes with an end date too. You will be left alone, always.
‘Love yourself’ is not just a fancy term. It is what the way of life should be. Every person is just a passenger on your life’s train who makes the journey happening and remarkable. But no one can or does stick to the last station. They get down on the way. Some get down way too soon, some might just stay really long. But at the last station, you get down alone with all the bittersweet pieces of your journey kept within your soul.
That’s the perception of a young adult, matter to change in few hours, days, years or never!