Someday…

Today was particularly hard.
Some days I think, if you are lying on the bed, and the thought of me weeping into the pillow at nights breaks your heart. I think if it takes you all your strength to hold back yourself  from running to me and holding  me in your arms.
I think if you imagine the tomorrow,  a tomorrow
without  me and if that kills you like it kills me. I imagine the waking hours for you are as empty as are mine. I imagine you struggling to live with the idea that I am not yours.
This morning,  I woke up to the shock that I will never have you next to me to snuggle in the morning.
I want to stop worrying  about you.
I want to let go of you.
I want to spend at least an hour without  talking  about you.
Because,  you see,  you are already there.
Songs, places; you haunt me at each moment. I smile at those memories but someday I want to smile without  tears in my eyes. I want to someday to have the strength  to unpin you as my top contact on my whatsapp chat list.
I want to remove you from my favourite contacts. Someday,  I want to not think of you as the first person to share my worst and best with.
Someday I want you to be a memory and not hope.
But the thought of not knowing ever if you are keeping well or just knowing what is up with you kills me. 
Someday I will probably  not care but I don’t want to not care.
I want a lot of things. I will never have them. But may be some morning, I will open  my door to a knock and may be it will be you.
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A morning

4:37 am.
The breeze is beautiful.
These are some nights I wish I had everything I thought I would. Since the time I remember, I always had a plan B. I always had a way for how I would handle things if they don’t go my way; but with life I never was ready. I thought I was, I thought being happy and content, they are just parts of me and I never thought of anything that could go wrong.
Probably, this is the way of life, and may be this is what I need to learn, that not everything goes according to plan. I need to learn that not al beautiful things are meant to stay and somethings no matter how bleak the possibility might seem at the time, sticks forever.
I always dreamt that I would fall in love in high school someday and then that would be it. But, right now I don’t even remember my first kiss. All I remember now is how desperately I love this person that came into my life a year and few months ago but is not sure about staying.
About friends, some unexpected people have stuck and the people I carved ‘friends forever’ with, in the desks of my classroom; well, I haven’t heard about a few of them in years.
Me? I was a different person. I was so sure about me and utterly smitten by myself. I cared about me the most not giving a fuck to anything else, in the actual sense. I read profusely, had a small world of my own. Sometimes I feel I was more independent emotionally in 6th standard than I am now. I had dreams of a happy life wanted to die at the age of 100 something. You ask me now, thinking of reaching 30 also seems impossible, tiring. My dream of ‘owning houses in every place possible’ has withered down to a ‘small apartment where I live alone’. I always wake up in the morning (read afternoon) and brace myself for the worst possible day and wish the 24 hours to end soon and that’s just plain sad. No one should be doing that.
But then probably the beauty of life at 20s is the way things become memory. May be the charm of 20s is the heart wrenching unpredictability. It is loss and love, smiles through tears, overthinking and a few words you hold on to. The breakdowns that you hope would just kill you or the drunken nights when a drunk friend tells you that you mean the world to them. May be it actually is about how bad your life can be fucked up and still remembering the skin care routine on Sundays.
I don’t know what it is for sure but some mornings like this I feel happy for making through everything till now. Like today, some days I do feel proud of the heart I have or the love I can give. And in mornings like today, I wish the entire world and I make through everything that’s breaking their heart, shattering their souls and everything that makes them feel like they aren’t enough.
Because no matter how difficult and dirty it gets, you and I are perfect in a beautifully fucked up, messy way!

A musing

Growing up is difficult, you always think you are doing the right thing but you seldom are. You make decisions which keep you elated for months and years and then one sudden day, you cannot just find the elation anymore. You make mistakes in choosing people, you make mistakes in haste but the worst part is you face the consequences alone now. Since you are an adult now, no one really has your back. You are supposed to hold yourself, cry into your own arms, rock yourself to sleep. Once you start growing it’s necessary that you have a wall around your heart because knowing or unknowingly each person around would try to have a hold on your heart. They will demand pieces for themselves and you will give it to them, unquestioning and unafraid, but at the end that doesn’t really leave you with much love for yourself.
You start questioning your worth, questioning if you even deserve love at all. May be everything that has gone wrong in your life is because you are a bad person, may be the nights you spend crying, is because you deserve it?

Dear Depression,

Dear Depression,

I don’t need to ask the cursory ‘how are you’; I know you are growing steadily well now.

It has been ages since I first heard about you. I heard a lot to be fair. About how you hide behind smiles and the daily routines, how you creep gently and almost romantically into lives and make those lives yours. I knew that you did not need reasons, days, occasions to make someone yours, neither did you come to a selected few.

It is something that you bring along that is grey, and not entirely black. Wait, let me explain it better. When you come over to stay with them, you bring along a feeling of worthlessness which then further brings out a fight from inside of them; a fight with their own selves to hold on. You make them fragile but you let them have the moments of introspection, which make them think for moments that you are probably a hoax. But in those of moments of retrospection they fight, to keep themselves, to still find the colours in the world for them and not for others, to still smile in all the truth rather than to just make believe. That is beautiful in a way. They find the best of themselves in these moments. But then you are so so over their heart and mind that they fail to find the happiness in it.

You know, they all know about you; each and every human, in one way or the other. But they are scared of you. They know about you, but they don’t really know you. You aren’t totally like the symptoms in Google, are you? You don’t always bring along anxiety or insomnia or weight loss and poor appetite. You come like Love; they don’t understand what’s happening to them until it is only you they think of; sometimes not even then. But one thing that you make a point to gift everyone is that you come to stay. Oh wait, don’t you sometimes hide and act like you went away but don’t really? Yeah, I know that tactic of yours.

You are the reasonless tears in the nights, the ‘no one cares’ thoughts, the chills and scares, the huge worthlessness, and at times the thoughts of self harm, and at extremes, the thoughts of dying. You make them lose friends and loves and relationships. You make them lose passions and hobbies. And you can even make a Grammar Nazi blind to a page of ‘didn’t knew’ and ‘they eats’. Damn, you are strong!

You are smart, too! You generally come to stay with those people who smile the most. They are accustomed to smiling that they don’t realise until it’s too late that their smiles hold no truth anymore. You come to those people who have a lot of friends in count but are the most private probably; or are private about their feeling; or may be private only about you. You stem from insecurities, that’s your hunting ground. And you know what gives you more power? Their silence. They don’t know how to talk about you, because when you come you don’t come with symptoms in bullet points like that of some flu; you come as a long-ass essay or just a single sentence, ‘I am okay’.

I am accusing you, for the loss of happiness, for sad eyes and forced smiles, for the confusion, and for creating a huge group of lonely people.

Dear Depression, don’t ask me if you’ve visited me, ever. Because to be true, I don’t know. But you have taken away from me an own and damaged a few more. You scare me the most; more than death itself, because you have the ability to kill a person on a daily basis. Also, with all the people you have made lonely, you have a war waging. Some of those lonely people will be strong enough to kill you and have colourful lives again. Some others will have family and friends to help them through.

You won’t always win!

Yours

An Insecure Young Adult.

Solivagant

What is it, that you have been left

So clueless about your days?

What is it, that made you shy away from all the

Things you once had learnt to love with all your heart?

Tell me, what is it that has made you forget yourself?

It is a subtle crisis, it creeps in gently and slowly.

You don’t know where it stems from, it just does.

It comes from all the wrong choices you make, may be.

But, being young, it shouldn’t matter much, should it?

But it does.

It is a different being of you.

You don’t remember ever being like this

And it scares you.

No goals, no plans for tomorrow,

And even if you make your mind for once,

It is always a voice in the head that goes on and on saying,

“You are not good enough, no one will even care”.

It’s disheartening and you can’t even kill the voice.

It’s not like you don’t have dreams, you do!

You try, alone and with silent plans,

Plans that you kill the next morning.

You are scared, that may be you will fail,

You are a senseless person with no clue in the world,

Wandering alone; I know it’s difficult, believe me, I do.

Why won’t it be… you are still so little, pampered till yesterday, 

And left alone today? It is difficult, to have once moved around, 

With someone at your back, supporting you, and now when you turn around… 

You are alone; to mend and fend yourself.

You are wandering alone and this has made you timid.

Trust me; I understand, I know how that feels!

Stay! 

My closed eyes, 

In the darkness 

Of that unknown, 

Rainbow lights 

Emitted by you. 

You are beautiful,

You are home

And so mine. 

I know, things

Are beautiful, 

when with you. 

They feel so 

New and fresh. 

With you

Things seem right. 

Things are perfect. 

With you, i seem

To have no problems 

I am happy, 

I want to grow, 

I want to be better, 

When with you. 

So, i am selfish…

Stay!

Forever!

The only thing that is constant

What a few moments can turn you into!

One day you are this happy person, away and safe from all the bads around and then suddenly you are trying and struggling to keep up all your studies, finances, parties together and trying to have a productive life.You find people, try knowing them and you click and you think, that you have a forever friend, and then a few days later when you try reaching out to that ‘friend’ you suddenly realise there was actually no one. this is change, and this change is constant. Every day brings with it some change. Some we fail to recognise and some changes just change our life altogether.

‘A young adult’. Always, had this phase sounded fascinating to me. But now that I am stepping in the threshold of it, I just cannot find the fun that I expected. Man, teenage was easier than this! At least you could cry in your father’s arms and sleep  in your mother’s lap. But now that you’ve grown up, all you can do is hug yourself and cry because that’t the only thing that is constant. You yourself are your home. No one else is there. Okay, given that your parents will love you unconditionally; but that comes with an end date too. You will  be left alone, always.

‘Love yourself’ is not just a fancy term. It is what the way of life should be. Every person is just a passenger on your life’s train who makes the journey happening and remarkable. But no one can or does stick to the last station. They get down on the way. Some get down way too soon, some might just stay really long. But at the last station, you get down alone with all the bittersweet pieces of your journey kept within your soul.

That’s the perception of a young adult, matter to change in few hours, days, years or never!